After My Mum's Death, I Felt Really Alone at University

It’s a rainy September day, the kind of day where there isn’t even the slightest hint of sunshine. Most of the summer has been like this. You’ve just been told the worst news of your life, and you’re still trying to come to terms with it. Mum is dead. She passed away at 4am this morning. She’s gone. Multiple thoughts and questions run through your head: How could this happen? How can I survive this? How will I ever feel joy ever again in a world where she’s not here?

Before driving to the hospice to see her body and say goodbye, we made a quick stop at the high street of the village we live in. I clearly remember walking down the street in the rain, more miserable than I’d ever been in my entire life, when I saw a funeral hearse go by. After the news I’d had, it wasn’t the best thing to see.

I’d been due to go back to university in Aberystwyth before the start of my second year, but throughout September my mum’s condition had got steadily worse and made me worry and deliberate over whether I could leave her, and the guilt I’d feel if I did. Some of my university friends had already gone back to Aber, including my new housemates. In the end, I stayed at home a little longer than originally planned, but traveled back in time for the first lectures. I knew my mum would have wanted me to continue with my studies, so that’s what I did. Some people were surprised I didn’t take time out or even quit second year altogether, but I just wanted to continue studying.

Everyone was nice to me, but they didn’t seem to know what to say to make me feel better. How do you comfort someone who feels like they’ve lost everything? I told them my mum was my best friend, how I could talk to her about anything. They were supportive, but I could tell they felt awkward dealing with the subject. They maybe even felt a little uncomfortable around me, as if I brought negative energy with me into every room, a direct contrast to their fun-loving personas.

My late arrival meant I’d missed that year’s freshers’ week, so the first time I went out with my housemates was in early October. Looking back, I don’t know why I did – it hadn’t been long since mum had passed away, and it felt inappropriate to party. I wore a pink playsuit and denim shirt (as a jacket), both of which my mum had bought me, plus the obligatory pair of heels, and posed in the kitchen for pictures with my flatmates, but the smile I wore was fake. There was no joy in me, just sadness and emptiness. I remember feeling incredibly alone and isolated, even when I was in a large group of friends. I went back home for the funeral soon afterwards, and I was an emotional wreck.

In terms of my studies, I told my personal tutor and she was very understanding, giving me extensions on my essay deadlines (even so, I still didn’t work on them until the last minute…typical student). She also referred me to counseling services. I attended one or two sessions before stopping (I don’t think I found it as helpful as I hoped it would be). The rest of second year went by, along with numerous nights out, and I was just trying to get on with things, be a student and have fun, like any other 20-year-old. My birthday and my mum’s birthday passed, just a week apart in October. Despite all the socializing, I was incredibly lonely. The void left without my mum was still there, and I know it will never heal.