A Completely Accurate Prediction of Everything That Will Happen on A-Level Results Day

This is why everyone loves Alice. Rather than risk embarrassing you in front of everyone else in the group chat, she’s messaged privately to make sure you’re OK. You tell her the good news and ask how she did, even though it’s pointless. There’s no way Alice hasn’t done amazingly well, she’s LITERALLY perfect.

Admittedly, it takes longer than expected because she had to turn around and go back for the family digital camera halfway through the journey (why can’t she learn to take photos on her phone like a normal person?). She also Mum promises she’s not going to be an ‘uncool’ parent, which is hilarious. Nice try mum. Don’t worry though, you’re nowhere near as uncool as you could be.

So this is why she was silent in the group chat all morning. Turns out Sarah and a few of the other straight-A girls had to come in an hour earlier so they could jump in the air holding their results and pose for the cliched “results day photograph” in the local newspaper. You make a mental note to check how hilariously awful the picture looks when your parents get the paper.

Poor Oli. Having spent all exam season getting super stressed, he’s scraped the bare minimum he needs to get into university and just can’t contain his excitement. Unleashing a guttural “Come On!”, he races around the school car park high-fiving anyone who will stick a hand out for him. His dad, however, looks…unimpressed.

Well, this puts the spanner in the works. Just as you think it’s good news all around, Faye appears with tear-stained cheeks to tell everyone she missed out on the A she needed by under 10 marks. The previously planned BBQ at her parents’ house is cancelled, while she goes off to find a teacher, call clearing and discuss her options. You give her a supportive hug goodbye but it doesn’t quite feel like enough…

With everyone still reeling from Faye’s bad news, mum turns up to ask if she could get a photo of you with everyone in front of the school sign. You grit your teeth and pose as she takes what feels like a dozen different photos (does she really need to be that zoomed in?). Once she’s done, you politely suggest she can go home now as you and your friends are going to go into town but she insists you call every living relative and tell them the news before she leaves you.

Poor Simon, it can’t be easy still being under 18 on A-level results day. While it was easy enough to get him drinks during the day, it becomes impossible to blag him past the bouncers in the evening and he’s forced to take an early night. At least it’s his birthday next week.

OK, it’s not Durham but it’s still a good university, right? She doesn’t seem convinced. Sarah buys her a few shots to try and improve her mood.

Is there a bar you didn’t go to? Where did that traffic cone come from? Why did you seemingly spend half an hour posing for selfies with Jamal, you barely know him? These questions, and many more, will all come to mind when you try and piece the night together from your camera roll the next day.

You need food. Desperately. Can’t go home like this. Parents will be mad. Kebab or chips? Kebab or chips? Kebab or chips? Both???

You’ve had Smirnoff Ice get in your hair, your phone has died and you’ve lost the jacket you were wearing earlier but none of this matters. The night may be over, but there’s still time for one last big group hug, a few alcohol-induced tears and drunken promises to obviously stay in touch and still be best mates even though you’re all going to different universities. Surely, nothing at university is going to be better than this…right?

Lead image: City of Stoke on Trent Sixth Form College (Flickr)